THE NOT SO SECRET ANNEX

Did anyone ever stop to wonder how secret Anne Frank's hiding place was when a male cat named Mouschi lived there? This was the 1940's - "Fresh Step " hadn't been invented yet.

Has anyone ever considered that the aroma of cat pee, more potent than Zyclon B, may have led

to the demise of those Dutch Jews?

The true identity of the betrayer has never been established. Perhaps he wasn't an anti-Semite but the next door neighbor who could no longer tolerate the stench emanating from 263 Prinsengracht.

Kunnahurricane

I've been eagerly awaiting Hurricane Irene. Stocked up on food, half of which I've already eaten. Anticipating a weekend snug in my Brighton Beach abode.

AND NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENS

COMMISSAR MIKAL BLOOMBERG

calls for a mandatory evacuation in

"ZONE # 1"

which includes my neighborhood,

BRIGHTON BEACH

Suddenly, I am "Tevya" ~ wanting to dig in my muddy heels and ride out the coming storm - refusing to leave my beloved Anatevka. "Go," all my loved ones implore.

MTA is shutting down all systems at noon tomorrow. Maybe I'll accidentaly miss the last train outta Dodge and get to spend my weekend with Irene, after all

THE WINDOW SEAT

I am a very neurotic traveler - perhaps that's one of the reasons I haven't had a vacation in 7 years. I must get to a train station or airport way in advance of the designated departure. I've tried to instill these survival skills in my daughter, Carlen. I don't want to be riding backwards in

a train or subway. And if you arrive early, chances are you'll get that coveted window seat.

LUNA

I've always had an aversion to amusement parks - a mecca for assorted trash in every sense of the word. Amusement parks with "Fun Houses" and other sadistic attractions designed by

Nazi war criminals.

I have a clown phobia and PTSD stemming from them popping balloons in my baby face. Or was that the child molester who blew up a condom for kicks? Either way, places like Coney Island, Playland, Seaside Heights and Knoebels leave a bad taste in my mouth,too.

No one was more surprised than I to find myself lured to Coney Island's new Luna Park - like a luna moth to a flame, so to speak. And I was thrilled by what I witnessed. An colorful ride called THE AIR RACE After making sure all the riders were securely locked in, the attendants ran away from the amusement as fast as they could and I couldn't imagine why - It started off innocently enough. And then it transformed into a ride guaranteed to cause a lifetime of chiropractic visits.

By the time The Air Race finished, black people had turned white, white people were green, and half of them had lost thier shoes & wallets. If I were still bulimic, I'd organize a field trip to Luna Park where we'd first partake of NATHANS and WILLIAM'S CANDY before taking a whirl ON THE ELECTRO SPIN

JUSTICE IS BLIND AND SO ARE MOST SHEIKHS

There's so much commotion over where the incarcerated terrorists will be tried - Quantanamo Bay or Foley Square? Military Tribunal or The Court of Public Opinion?Jury or Bench Trial - decisions, decisions, incisions.

WELL, ERIC HOLDER, HAVE I GOT A GIRL FOR YOU~

If I had my way, Judge Judy would preside over every al Qaeda operative brought to trial.

Can you imagine a shrill Jewish woman lambasting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed ?Or Abdu Mutallab, The Underwear Bomber? The load in his pants on Christmas day would be nothing in comparison with what he'd drop in his drawers when facing Judith Scheindlin. These

courtroom proceedings should be transmitted all over the world by Al Jazeera. Believe me,the thought of a date with Judge Judy would deter future terrorists from ever strapping on a sucide bomb or mixing a bad batch of fertilizer.

REPRESSION/OPPRESSION

Nowhere are the signs of female oppression more obvious than during the summertime, when the living ain't easy. In my neighborhood of Brighton Beach, people appear in all manner of clothing. Orthodox Jewish women doubly helmeted in a sheitel/turban combo (and wearing the layered cake look.)Their Muslim sisters appear in everything from full out burquas to niqabs to simple schmattes loosely tied around their heads. I've seen these swaddled women sweltering on the beach, their huddled masses yearning to breathe free. But I also take notice of other women in their bikinis and perfectly hairless bodies, thanks to waxing and the waning of pubic hair. The only mammalian vestiges are the cups runneth over with silicone and saline solutions. Now I ask you, who's more oppressed - the buqua clad mothers frolicking with their kids in the water or the overexposed bathing belle with her ex-boyfriend's name tramp stamped above her derriere?

SQUEEZABLES

As I often tell my sucidal friends, "there's always something to look forward to..."

For me, it's a Horn Worm invasion in Ira's tomato crop. A perfect couple, he wants to destroy them and I want to save them - who could kill something that looks like the Hookah Smoking Caterpillar?

So, once again, I am raising hornworms. Very interesting, these larval Sphinx Moths.They bury themselves to pupate - remember in the movie, "Silence of the Lambs" when the entomologist extracts a foreign object from a cadaver's trachea - that was the chrysalis of a hornworm. A Baby Sphinx Moth. Of course, in the movie it was the "Death's Head Sphinx."! WHAT A BEAUTY!